Trans-Affirming Best Practices
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Remember: These are best practices, but true allyship isn't cookie cutter and everyone has their own boundaries & wishes. Ask the trans & nonbinary folks in your life how they want to be supported.
Why is this pronoun stuff becoming such a big deal?
It’s been a big deal for a long time. Gender pronouns have existed for many centuries and trans and gender non-conforming people have been developing new language to refer to ourselves for just as long. However, it is just recently that this has become more of a mainstream conversation and that sharing pronouns is more commonplace. And whether we realize it or not, people frequently refer to each other using pronouns.
This is important for several reasons. Here are a few:
It is basic human dignity.
People, especially trans youth, are less likely to attempt suicide.
When people regularly share their pronouns, it illustrates that just like we don't know someone's name until they tell us, we don’t know anyone’s pronouns until they share them.
Transgender and nonbinary people feel welcome.
It opens up opportunity for others to share. The onus isn’t on the transgender/gender non-conforming (TGNC) person and it signals to TGNC people who may be a potential ally/someone to trust.
We create sustainable relationships. When we’re able to share more of ourselves in an authentic way with each other, it deepens relationships.
It prevents us/others from making assumptions
Here are two videos that elaborate on pronouns and their importance: What are pronouns? & Pronouns | Trans | One Word | Cut
How come some people say three pronouns rather than two? Should I say she/her/hers or just she/her?
One way isn’t more correct than the other. It is a personal decision if you choose to share two or three. Often, when people choose to list three or more, it is because they use neopronouns - any set of singular third-person pronouns that are not officially recognized in the language they are used in. In these cases, people often want to make sure everyone knows all of the cases of their pronouns: subject, object, dependent possessive, independent possessive, reflexive (also known as: nominative, accusative, pronominal possessive, predicative possessive and reflexive).
English speakers generally know that she/her means she/her/her/hers/herself. It is rarer that English speakers know that e/em means e/em/eir/eirs/emself.
What do I do when people list multiple pronouns?
Sometimes you may see different sets of pronouns such as “she/her, they/them” or “they/he” used by one person. In these cases, it is okay to use any of the options. If you have rapport with the person, you may want to inquire if they have a preference for one over the other. (Note: this is the only time it is okay to use “preference” when talking about pronouns because pronouns aren’t preferred, they’re mandatory.) Sometimes people list their favorite one first. Sometimes people want you to use all the options equally and change it up each sentence. Sometimes it depends on the context, location and/or who is around. The only way to know is to ask.
The same goes for people who list “any/all” for their pronouns. A lot of people we know who do this greatly appreciate when we switch it up for them and don’t use the same set over and over.
I don’t understand all these new words. What if it’s just too hard for me?
First of all, as @travisalabanza said: “Being understood should not be a pre requisite for care and safety”
You don’t have to understand why someone uses their pronouns they do or where they come from to be able to use them.
There are several websites that allow you to practice, such as pronouns.minus18.org.au and practicewithpronouns.com
You can give your pet or a stuffed animal new pronouns and practice when talking about them.
Additionally, Spacious Prespicacious’s Tumblr page has tons of tips. Some popular ones are:
Practice! Because just like learning anything language-related, practice is essential.
Practice a little bit every day. Language is maintained through regular and habitual use.
Think about the person and use their pronouns. Narrate what they are doing in your head using their name and pronouns.
Write about someone and use the pronouns you want to learn. Use all five forms of the pronoun.
Listen to/read works by other people using the pronouns: podcasts, YouTube, fiction and non-fiction books, newspaper articles
Start using singular they when talking about people whose genders you don’t know.
Research genders that defy the binary.
Get used to the idea that you don’t know anyone’s gender until they tell you.
Isn't they/them plural? How does that work?
In short, whether you understand someone’s pronouns or not and/or whether you think it’s grammatically correct or not, you can still use them.
Also:
They/them as a singular pronouns has existed since the 1300s
It is grammatically correct according to the Associated Press, dictionary.com, Merriam-Webster, The Washington Post, etc.
You already use singular they/them - “Someone left their cell phone here.” or “Whose jacket is this? They have great style.”
For more, visit: www.praxischi.com/news/singular-they-them
What's the difference between trans & nonbinary?
These words mean something personal to each person who uses them. Sometimes if you ask 10 nonbinary people what nonbinary means, you may get 11 different answers. For some people, they use both words to describe themself. For others, they only use one or the other. Like everything else, don’t make assumptions without getting that information directly from the person.
Oftentimes nonbinary people describe their gender as something outside the spectrum of “male” or “female” - which could fall somewhere between the two, could be many points including both male and female, or could exist on a completely different plane that doesn’t use male/female at all.
There is no "one way" to be trans or nonbinary. So long as someone says they are, then they are.
[Image description: A comic that has 4 boxes. The title is "Graphing Gender". The first box has a line with "male" on the far right and "female" on the far left. Everything in between those two points is labeled as "nonbinary". There is a person with glasses saying "I see a lot of people use spectrum graphs like these to describe nonbinary gender. I think they had me mixed up for a while." The second box has the same line/spectrum on top as the first box and the same person. They are saying "The implication here seems to be, 'if you don't feel female, it must be because you feel more male, or vice versa.' and "more male" is underlined. The third box has the same line spectrum as the first two boxes. The person is pointing to a drawing of a circle with lines around it that resembles a sun and says "me" underneath" it. This sun is far away from the spectrum of male/nonbinary/female. The person is saying "But I don't. If I fit anywhere on a graph like this, I think it's down here." and "anywhere" is underlined. The fourth box says "Maybe it's better to think of gender as a galaxy - most people tend to orbit a gravitational center, but not everyone does." On the bottom is two planet drawings with lots of lines/squiggles around them and a squiggle floating between them. Underneath the fourth box it says "and: orbits can change, centers can change, and there's no reason to assume there's only two centers..." with "two" underlined.]