Ho-Ho-Hold up!: Interrupting Microaggressions During the Holidays
The holiday season can be stressful for so many reasons: the anxiety of finding loved ones the perfect gift, coordinating holiday activities around people’s busy schedules, dealing with personalities of all kinds, but something that can really put a damper on the holiday cheer are microaggressions. Microaggressions are everyday insults, indignities, and/or demeaning messages directed (sometimes unintentionally) at people of marginalized experiences that subtly communicate hurtful or dismissive messages. During family gatherings, office parties, and other social celebrations, these small but harmful interactions can make people feel disrespected and excluded.
It’s important for all of us to interrupt microaggressions when they occur, which can be challenging, especially when it involves people we care about or those we don't see very often. Navigating these moments with intention and confidence is key to creating more inclusive and respectful holiday environments.
Here's how you can handle microaggressions during the holidays with compassion and clarity.
1. Recognize the Microaggressions
Before we can interrupt a microaggression, we must be able to recognize it. Unintended microaggressions can often go unnoticed, including by people around who are not directly impacted. Microaggressions can take many forms, including:
Racial stereotyping in the form of comments like "You speak so well for someone for a [insert group]" or "You don’t look like [ethnicity], you must be mixed."
Gender or sexuality based assumptions like saying "You don’t look like a lesbian" or "When are you finally going to settle down and get married?".
Body shaming or when someone focuses on someone’s weight or appearance, saying things like “You’ve put on a few pounds” or “You’d look better with a little more weight on you.”
Cultural Insensitivity such as making disrespectful remarks about someone's traditions, food, or language.
Though these comments may seem innocuous to the person making them, they’re often rooted in systemic oppression or our own implicit biases and can leave the recipient, and others around them feeling hurt or marginalized.
2. Assess the Situation
Interrupting a microaggression isn’t always easy, but it's important to still interrupt them. However, before intervening, it may be useful to take a moment to assess the situation. Some things to consider include:
Our relationship to the person causing the microaggression: Do you know the person well enough to have a frank conversation? Do you know how open they are to feedback?
The goal of the interruption: Do you want to make this a learning opportunity and help them understand why it’s a microaggression? Do you just want them to stop using a slur, repeating a hurtful comment, etc?
Our own emotional capacity: If you're directly impacted by the microaggression and feeling emotionally drained, it may be better to pick your battles, or choose to address the issue at a later time when you're more prepared. As one of our facilitators, Tiffany, always says: there’s no statute of limitations on feedback.
3. Decide How to Interrupt
There’s no one right way to intervene. And while it’s unlikely we will change someone’s deeply held beliefs, by interrupting microaggressions as they happen we have the opportunity to plant a seed, and show others that we do not agree with what was said. However we decide to respond, the important thing is to do something. Here are some ways to intervene:
Use “I” Statements: Express how the comment made you feel rather than attacking the other person. For example: “I felt uncomfortable when you said that about [insert group], because it’s based on a stereotype.” This will help minimize defensiveness.
Ask Questions: Sometimes the best way to interrupt a microaggression is to ask a question that helps the person reflect on what they’ve said. For example: "What do you mean by that?" or "Can you help me understand why you said that?" Asking questions also communicates that you don’t implicitly agree with what was said and can provide opportunities for deeper discussion.
Delegate: It might make the most sense for someone else to call the person who caused the microaggression in/out. This is particularly true if we don’t know the person well or if we have an already fraught relationship with them. You can also ask others who may know the person better how to best give feedback to them
Follow up: Even if you didn’t have an opportunity to intervene in the moment, you still have an opportunity to engage. You can schedule some time to talk to the person send resources (“I just found an article about ‘not seeing race’ and it reminded me of something you said at dinner”), or circle back when everyone’s present again to establish group expectations (“Last time we got together, some comments about people’s bodies were made that were uncomfortable to hear, so I just wanted to remind everyone that unless someone can change something in 30 seconds, we should keep our comments to ourselves”).
Additional Things to Consider
Setting boundaries is important: If someone’s behavior is consistently disrespectful or harmful, it’s okay for us to set boundaries. You can firmly say, “I’ve noticed you’ve made similar comments before, and it makes me uncomfortable. I’d prefer not to discuss [topic] anymore.” You are also under no obligation to interact with someone who continues to disrespect you or others, even if it means distancing yourself or simply no longer inviting this person to participate in get-togethers.
Support the target of the microaggressions: If you're a bystander and someone else is the target of a microaggression, it's just as important to offer support to them as it is to address the person causing harm. After interrupting the microaggression, you can check in with the person. "I noticed that comment earlier. How can I provide further support?"
Together we can make sure that our holiday get-togethers are inclusive and respectful. While it may seem small to some people, recognizing and interrupting microaggressions are powerful acts that create environments where everyone feels seen, heard, and valued. This holiday season, and all seasons throughout the year, let’s commit to spreading cheer, not harm!
