What is misgendering?

You've probably heard the term misgendering but may not know exactly what it means. Maybe someone has even accused you of doing it! While the term itself may be new, the act of misgendering has existed for a long time. Not only that, while regularly used against trans people, misgendering has also been used against cisgender people, particularly those who challenged the gender norms of their time. Think about how women have been insulted for wanting the right to vote. Or how gay, lesbian and bisexual people are treated for the simple fact of loving who they love.

In essence, misgendering is the act of using words that do not align with the gender identity of the person being referred to.
This can happen:

• accidentally such as using incorrect pronouns for someone whose pronouns you don't know

• intentionally like when referring to a trans woman as a man to insult her

But why does it matter?

Although it may seem minor to people who don’t regularly experience it, misgendering can cause stress, frustration, and feelings of invalidation. Because misgendering someone undermines their internal sense of self, it can also affect their mental health and contribute to anxiety and depression. Furthermore, persistent misgendering erodes trust and causes tension in relationships of all kinds – romantic, family, professional, etc.

When inclusive and affirming language is used with all people, we show empathy, respect, and acceptance. This allows us to create spaces and relationships where all people feel safer and more welcomed, particularly those who often feel marginalized and misunderstood.

How do I avoid misgendering someone?

Listen and ask.
Avoid making assumptions based on physical appearance. Just like you can't tell someone's name just by looking at them, physical appearance doesn't tell you what words someone uses. If you don't know which words to use, you can use gender-neutral language and/or ask respectfully. Listen carefully so you use the correct words.

Practice, practice, practice.
It is important to educate yourself about different gender identities, familiarize yourself with the different pronouns that are regularly used, including singular they, and apply what you learn in your daily life through practice. If you are multilingual, familiarize yourself with gender inclusive options in those languages as well. For Spanish speakers, check out our post on how to use the gender-neutral pronoun elle.

Correct yourself when necessary.
Making mistakes is inevitable. Perfection is not the goal since no human being is perfect. If you accidentally misgender someone, apologize sincerely and repeat the phrase with the correct word. Avoid making a big fuss or drawing unnecessary attention to the mistake, as this can make the impacted person even more uncomfortable.

Normalize the exchange of pronouns.
Lead by example and proactively share your own pronouns. Promote the exchange of pronouns in presentations and social settings to create a culture of inclusion. If you're worried about how other people will react, you can read our blog post on how to respond to pushback around pronouns.

Let us strive to honor all people for who they truly are by using the correct language for them.

Let us all embrace the power we have to foster a culture of acceptance and understanding. Together we can build a more inclusive world where we can all feel seen, heard and valued.

Transgender Day of Visibility

Transgender Day of Visibility aka #TDOV brings up mixed feelings for us.

Our TLDR is as @kaichengthom wrote in 2018: “trans visibility does not equal trans liberation” and “we must remember that representation and revolution are not at all the same thing."

We love celebrating all our siblings and are so grateful for our trancestors’ work to create a day to celebrate us not just in our death but also while we are alive.

The founder of TDOV, Rachel Crandall-Crocker herself said the day is a “double-edged sword” because it can increase or lead to attacks. She told @them in 2021 “if I had to do it again, knowing what I know now, I’m not 100% convinced I would create the International Transgender Day of Visibility."

Rachel has also talked about the need for allies to be visible and speak up and take action to support trans people. This is crucial for our liberation.

@kaichengthom also has pointed out that while there are more trans people on tv and in the media than before, we remain disproportionately homeless and suicidal. “Trans people’s visibility has skyrocketed, but anti-trans legislation and discrimination remain rampant.”

Our hopes and dreams are bigger than visibility. But we can’t reach them alone. We need allies to be active and loud for us. We need people to materially help trans people and not just give to nonprofits that cherrypick days like TDOV to fundraise. As @kararianagrande wrote on our 2020 TDOV post: We want a life as bountiful as the genders we embody. We need our allies to help us make it a reality.

Our feelings are mixed because we want to be seen, to be heard, to be cared for. We want to know our lives matter, and we want this to be reflected in more than just words and hashtags.

We are starting the #TDOV conversation a few days early to allow everyone to make a plan for how you will celebrate and acknowledge our trans siblings, how you will fight for our right to exist, to survive, to thrive, to live and to be seen on this day and all days.

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Using “Elle” in Spanish

Any Spanish speaker already knows the pronouns “ella” and “él.” These are what we use every day to refer to individuals in the third person: most often “ella” for a woman and “él” for a man. But there are not only women and men in this world; nonbinary and gender expansive people also exist and we need to be able to use non-gendered pronouns in order to be gender-affirming for everyone.

For English speakers, referring to someone in a gender-neutral way only requires the use of singular “they.” But in Spanish “they” translates to “ellos” or “ellas” which are not gender-neutral. So what can you do to be inclusive?

Recently, many people have begun to use the neopronoun “elle” (with its corresponding direct object pronoun “le”) as a possible alternative to the binary options “él” and “ella.”

SUBJECT PRONOUN EXAMPLES
He got home very late. His mom scolded him.
Él llegó muy tarde a casa. Su mamá lo regañó.

She got home very late. Her mom scolded her.
Ella llegó muy tarde a casa. Su mamá la regañó.

They got home very late. Their mom scolded them.
Elle llegó muy tarde a casa. Su mamá le regañó.

Noun Modifications

Using “elle” requires additional modifications, since, like pronouns, most articles, nouns, and adjectives in Spanish have a masculine or feminine grammatical gender. In order not to misgender the nonbinary people in our lives, a gender-neutral ending is needed for nouns like “amigo/amiga” or adjectives like “bonita/bonito.”

Previously, the x and @ sign have been used to modify words and create inclusive versions. However, pronunciation is difficult with these two options, and it also proves to be an obstacle for people who use screenreaders. Inclusion must also include people with disabilities. For this reason, in conjunction with “elle,” the use of the -e ending is now used to create gender-neutral articles, nouns, adjectives and pronouns for words that typically have only two gendered options.

The way to create gender-neutral articles, nouns, adjectives and pronouns is super easy: you take the feminine gender version of the word and

• If it ends in -ga, remove the -a and add -ue

• If it ends in -ca, exchange the C for a Q, remove the -a, and add -ue

• If it ends in any other letter with -a, remove the -a, and add -e

NOUN EXAMPLES
He is a very wise teacher.
Él es un maestro muy sabio.

She is a very wise teacher.
Ella es una maestra muy sabia.

They are a very wise teacher
Elle es une maestre muy sabie.

We are annoyed with the weather.
Nosotros estamos fastidiados con el clima.
Nosotras estamos fastidiadas con el clima.
Nosotres estamos fastidiades con el clima.

Gender-Ambiguous Words

For words that are already gender-ambiguous like “usted,” “modelo,” or “cortés,” no change is required, regardless of what letters it ends in. 

AMBIGUOUS EXAMPLES
The student is very intelligent. 
El estudiante es muy inteligente.
La estudiante es muy inteligente.
Le estudiante es muy inteligente.

You are friends.
Ustedes son amigas.
Ustedes son amigos.
Ustedes son amigues.

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Final Note

Now you know how to use “elle” and the -e ending to be able to refer to nonbinary people in a way that's affirming and inclusive.

Although the evolution of languages is something completely natural – currently – neither “elle” nor the -e ending are officially recognized. However, their use continues to increase. And since there are no official grammar rules, there will be words that cannot easily be converted to a gender-neutral version (e.g. actor/actriz) and there will be people who use other pronouns or endings. It is good practice to ask what pronouns someone uses if you don't already know. 

Lastly, we admit that it may sound a little strange to use “elle” and the -e ending in the very beginning. New things often make us uncomfortable, but with practice, we can create a Spanish-speaking culture where everyone is included and affirmed.

Vocabulary

We’ve updated our vocabulary sheets. We also have this vocabulario resource in Spanish as well.

These definitions and terms are ever-evolving and shift depending on region, context, and other variables. The most important thing to keep in mind is that people should be allowed to self-identify. This list is intended as a starting point and is not exhaustive.

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Ally - A person who supports and advocates for marginalized groups/identities to which they do not necessarily belong. A person who interrupts the disrespectful or problematic remarks and actions of others, and who is willing to explore forms of bias and privilege within themselves. (Praxis believes that “ally” isn’t a label you give yourself, but rather one given to you by the people directly impacted.)

Asexual - A sexual orientation for a person who experiences little or no sexual attraction.

Assigned sex - Sex recorded at birth by a doctor or other birth attendant, usually based solely on external genitalia. This determines what gender marker (M for male, F for female or I for intersex) goes on a baby’s birth certificate.

Bisexual - A sexual orientation for a person who is attracted (romantically, sexually, and/or emotionally) to people with the same gender identity as them, as well as to people with gender identities different from theirs.

Cisgender
▴ A person whose gender identity and/or expression aligns with their sex assigned at birth
▴ Cisgender generally means “not transgender”
▴ “Cis” is the Latin for “on the same side as.”
▴ Cisgender is an adjective and therefore needs a noun after it (cisgender woman, cisgender person)

Drag queen/king - A person who dresses as another persona periodically for the purpose of entertainment, making a political statement, and/or as a form of self-expression. Drag queens/kings do not necessarily identify as another sex or gender, although they may refer to themselves as someone of another gender while in drag.

FTM/F2M - Female to male. A trans person who was assigned female at birth and today is a boy/man.

Gay - A sexual orientation for a person who is attracted (romantically, sexually and/or emotionally) to someone of the same gender.  Gay is not limited to a specific gender although it is sometimes assumed to be only for men.

Gender - Various traits, characteristics, and roles that a culture associates with or assigns to physical sex. Someone’s internal sense of who they are.

Gender binary - A code (rooted in colonial, white supremacist concepts) of acceptable and expected identities and behaviors that teaches that there are only two sexes (male and female) and only two genders (man and woman). This system also presupposes that anyone assigned male at birth is a man, and anyone assigned female at birth is a woman. Most discussions about gender assume a binary gender system and disregard the idea that there are people who may not identify within the binary/only two options.

Gender expression - The way a person expresses their gender identity externally, through behavior and appearance. Gender expression can be read and perceived by others, however perceptions about someone’s gender identity based on their gender expression may or may not accurately correspond with how that person identifies.

Gender identity - How an individual experiences and conceptualizes their gender, regardless of their assigned sex at birth. Gender identity is what a person knows about their gender on the inside, and may or may not be apparent to others.

Gender nonconforming (GNC) - The gender identity and/or gender expression of a person whose gender expression differs from or does not conform to societal expectations associated with their sex assigned at birth. Gender nonconforming people may not be either man or woman, but rather as a gender outside of the gender binary. Some people use the term nonbinary or gender expansive.

Intersex - Intersex is an umbrella term used to describe a wide range of natural bodily variations. Intersex people are born with sex characteristics that do not fit typical binary notions of “male” or “female” bodies. (1)

Lesbian - A sexual orientation for a woman who is attracted (romantically, sexually and/or emotionally) to other women.

MTF/M2F - Male to female. A trans person who was assigned male at birth and today is a girl/woman.

Pansexual - A sexual orientation for a person who is attracted (romantically, sexually and/or emotionally) to people regardless of sex or gender. “Consider pansexual attraction as being transcendent of gender, meaning: it isn’t limited by gender… or sex.”

Queer - Having a sexual orientation, sex, gender identity, and/or gender expression that differs from cultural norms. This term was traditionally derogatory but has been reclaimed by some because of its broad definition and fluid and inclusive quality. Not all people under the LGBT+ umbrella are queer.

Sex - The categorization of bodies by chromosomes, hormone levels, genitalia, and secondary sex characteristics. Doctors often simplify this by determining sex solely based on external genitalia. Sex is assigned male, female or intersex at birth.

Sexual orientation - Who a person is/is not romantically, emotionally, and/or physically attracted to.

Two-spirit - An umbrella term indexing various indigenous gender identities in North America. Many tribes have specific terms, but there was a need for universal terms to describe gender concepts that do not exist in English. For example, Navajo uses Nádleehí, Lakota uses Winkté, Ojibwe uses Niizh Manidoowag and Cheyenne uses Hemaneh.

Transgender
▴ A person whose gender identity and/or expression does not align with their sex assigned at birth
▴ Transgender generally means “not cisgender”
▴ “Trans” is the Latin for "across" or "beyond" or "on the other side of"
▴ Transgender is an adjective and therefore needs a noun after it (transgender woman, trans person)
▴ There is no one way to be trans and trans people may or may not take steps to transition medically 

(1) adapted from www.pidgeonismy.name
(2) adapted from www.teenvogue.com/story/what-is-pansexuality

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Terms to be cautious of:
Hermaphrodite, transvestite, tranny, he-she, she-male, it.
These words have historically been used as derogatory terms for transgender and gender nonconforming people. Although some people within queer and trans communities have reclaimed these words and may use them positively, they are not considered positive words by everyone and use of them by cisgender people is almost always inappropriate.

Notes on the LGBTQ2IA+ Acronym
Lesbian
Gay
Bisexual
Transgender
Queer (sometimes also Questioning)
2 (two) spirit (2 or 2S)
Intersex
Asexual and/or Agender (not ally)

• Every person chooses which word(s) are applicable to them

• The plus (+) indicates that the acronym does not include all sexual orientations, genders, etc.

• The acronym mixes concepts together:

  • LGBQA = sexual orientations

  • T = gender identity

  • I = sex assigned at birth

  • 2S = culturally specific

Responding to Pronoun Pushback

Change can be difficult for many of us. We are creatures of habit. Because of this, it is common that when you are instituting changes to make your spaces more inclusive of trans and gender nonconforming people that you may get some pushback from those who are unfamiliar with everything you may have learned in our Trans Affirming Best Practices workshop.

First, consider what your goal is.

What outcome would you like to have from your interaction? These questions will help you guide the conversations.

• Are you hoping to change their mind?

• Are you hoping they will change their behavior?

• Are you simply informing them of protocol from your organization/business?

There are dozens of motivations and desired outcomes for why we introduce ourselves with our pronouns. Additionally, you may want to consider:

• Regardless of other people’s reactions or investment in behavior change, are you modeling trans-affirming best practices in support of trans people? This is valuable within itself.

• Are you upholding your workplace’s stated mission, vision and/or values? You can always fall back on this if someone is upset about your actions. This may sound like “this organization respects every individual’s autonomy and therefore we like to ask how they like to be called.”

Next, determine if you know their motivation and assess the context you are in.

Along with your goals and desired outcomes, their positionality/stance/feelings and the context of the situation will determine how you can respond. For instance, have they shared their stance? Are they able to internally even name their own feelings?

While we acknowledge that impact weighs more than intention (even if I accidentally step on your foot, I acknowledge and apologize; even though I didn’t mean to, the impact is that your foot hurts), it can sometimes be helpful to discern where the person is coming from. There is a difference between confusion or ignorance versus antagonism and hatred. And your response can take this into consideration. They may they be feeling: 

• Anger

• Confusion

• Concerned

• Hesitancy

• Ignorance

• “I have a strong stance against this.”

There are many, many contexts we could be in:

• Are you alone?

• Are you in public?

• Do you know the person?

• Will you ever see the person again?

• What is the power dynamic? (e.g. supervisor and supervisee)

• Are you standing up for a specific trans person? If so, how would they want you to advocate for them?

• Where are you? Are you at work, home, the grocery store, etc? Is it safe?

• Are we giving too much time and energy to antagonistic people? 

• Are we centering the feelings of antagonistic people over the lives of trans and gender expansive people?

Remember why you are doing this.

Remember why we introduce ourselves with our pronouns and include them on things like our Zoom names, email signatures and business cards.

Just like we cannot assume anybody’s name just by looking at them, we cannot assume anybody’s pronouns just by looking at them. Some people think gender/pronouns are obvious, but it isn’t always; so in order to avoid making incorrect assumptions, we err on the side of respect.

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“We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist.”

— James Baldwin

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More reasons:

• We believe in everyone’s self-determination and autonomy. To honor people’s humanity and authenticity, we give them the opportunities to tell us how they want to be called.

• When you model this, you are signaling to trans and gender expansive people that it is probably okay for them to share their authentic selves with you. They may not otherwise disclose their pronouns to you first.

• It is literally a matter of life and death for a lot of trans and gender expansive people, including young people. While we don’t believe in binary choices, it can be helpful to contextualize this as affirming someone and saving their life versus letting someone who is angry/confused be angry and confused for a moment. In 2022, the Trevor Project reported that:

  • 45% of LGBTQ youth seriously considered attempting suicide in the past year.

  • Nearly 1 in 5 transgender and nonbinary youth attempted suicide and LGBTQ youth of color reported higher rates than their white peers.

  • LGBTQ youth who felt high social support from their family reported attempting suicide at less than half the rate of those who felt low or moderate social support.

What are the downfalls?

There are various reasons people hesitate to share their pronouns. There are even more reasons to do it anyway that often outweigh the potential downfall.

1. Whoever you are speaking to won’t understand what you’re saying.

• It’s okay for people to be confused. We all learn new things every day.

• Do we care more about someone’s confusion or protecting TGNC people?

2. Someone may be offended.

• Do we need to have a moment with them or engage at all?

3. You may experience backlash.

• Are we centering the most marginalized?

• Are you physically unsafe or just uncomfortable?

• Does the other person/people have power over you? Could they retaliate in a way that threatens you, your family, your job?

4. It is private information.

• Most people use pronouns in everyday language when referring to people.

5. “In my day, we didn’t have pronouns.”

• Most groups of people have general expectations that we respect people and call everyone by the name they go by and the pronouns they use.

• Pronouns have existed for centuries.

Potential Scripts/Responses

After you assess your safety and consider your goals and their motivation, and you decide you will engage, here are some options of what you can say. Use whatever is most authentic to you. Mix and match.

• We respect everyone here the same, therefore we call everyone by the name they go by and pronouns they use.

• Documented use of singular they/them pronouns has existed since Shakespeare and it’s in most major dictionaries. Regardless, it’s the respectful thing to do.

• Trans people in my life have asked me to do this and this is how I am an ally. 

• Just like I don’t know your name until you tell me, I don’t know your pronouns until you tell me.

• Referring to people with pronouns is useful for me so I don’t have to keep repeating your name every time I refer to you.

• This is our company policy.

• My boss told me I have to do this.

• Inclusion is important to me.

• Sharing pronouns is optional. You do not have to do it if you don’t want to and I can do it if I want to.

Trans-Antagonism Across the US

Trans people are under attack.

This latest wave of new anti-trans bills and laws are absolutely heartbreaking. The State and Federal governments’ attempts to shame, other, criminalize, and even worse, erase the existence of trans and gender non-conforming (TGNC) people is truly horrific. At the time of publishing this newsletter there are more than 500 anti-trans bills in the United States. Only Delaware, Puerto Rico, and Washington DC have not introduced any anti-trans bill during the 2023 Legislative Session. These bills seek to prohibit inclusive bathrooms, limit or exclude trans people from sports, restrict what can be taught in schools, and in some states, police who is allowed to access trans-affirming and oftentimes life saving care. While the means may differ, the goal is the same: attempting to erase the existence of our communities.

Our hearts ache as we watch TGNC people struggle through this increased and seemingly renewed vigor for hate. It is overwhelming and often brings up feelings of helplessness as we watch the mere humanity of some of the people we love the most be questioned. 

Things that help us during all this is remembering that trans people have always existed, always been here and always will be. We think about the trans elders who came before us and risked their all to get us to this point. We think about the bravery of Marsha P Johnson, Sylvia Rivera, and Chicago’s own Mama Gloria and Miss Major Griffin-Gracy. We think of the personal sacrifices they made, and – in the case of Miss Major – continue to do, for the betterment of the trans community; we remember that it was our community that got us this far all along. 

We will keep each other safe. 

We will center joy and celebrate our identities.

We will fight back. 

TGNC people have always been here and we will ensure they always will be. 

Praxis continues to offer our Trans-Affirming Best Practices workshop to many organizations and groups looking to ensure they are fostering a welcoming and inclusive environment. We are grateful to every group who dedicates the time and effort to join us for this informative workshop and to create conversation around how to support your group’s values. These conversations are key components in moving beyond tolerance and immediately into an environment of respect and true inclusion. 

When people feel welcome to bring their true selves to the table, teams are more productive, innovation is encouraged, and businesses thrive. We cannot expect that people can bring their full selves to the table when their humanity and right to exist is being decided by politicians and courts. We are excited to offer 3 sliding scale public Trans-Affirming Best Practices workshops in June, including one in Spanish. Praxis will continue to monitor what is happening in legislative sessions and court rooms around the country. We are also here to provide help and support to those navigating this challenging time. 

Trans-Affirming Best Practices FAQ

Why is this pronoun stuff becoming such a big deal? What do I do when people list multiple pronouns? I don’t understand all these new words. What if it’s just too hard for me? What's the difference between trans & nonbinary?

Visit our new FAQ page for our answers.

Singular They/Them Pronouns

INTRO
@mlevine10 said it all: One of the most affirming things you can do for a trans person is to use the correct pronouns. I didn’t say ‘preferred pronoun’ because it’s not a preference, like chocolate or vanilla. When a trans person tells you what their pronoun is, there is now a correct pronoun and wrong ones. Some people are fine with more than one, others move between pronouns, which just means there are more ways for you to make someone’s day. It’s completely understandable that change takes time, your trans friends and family know that, but that is no excuse not to try. And when mistakes happen, which they will (they happen to me too!), you apologize, correct yourself and work to do better. You have to take time and practice…

YOU ALREADY USE SINGULAR THEY ALL THE TIME.
“Someone left their cell phone here.”
“Whose jacket is this? They have great style.”
“Do you know who won? I want to congratulate them.”

It absolutely takes conscious effort, but nothing else to afford trans/nonbinary/gnc people basic respect and courtesy. Change the culture and normalize sharing pronouns by adding YOUR pronouns to your email signature and social media profiles. Next time you introduce yourself, share your pronouns. It makes absolutely no difference to most people, but to the one person who wasn’t sure if they were going to have to go the whole day misgendered and unseen, it makes all the difference in the world. Try using ‘they/them/their’ for one of your child’s (human or animal) stuffed animals or toys. Correct others when they misgender someone you know (always make sure your trans friend is out and wants this), whether your friend is present or not. The emotional energy (or physical risk, etc) it takes for an ally to correct someone is so much less than the energy it takes someone who has to look people in the eye and ask for basic human decency every day… I’m pledging to do better. I hope you will, too.

ARTICLES

• 2015 Word of the Year is singular “they” (2015) by The American Dialect Society

• The Washington Post will allow singular ‘they’ (2015)

• Words We're Watching: Singular 'They' (2017) by Merriam-Webster

• The singular, gender-neutral ‘they’ added to the Associated Press Stylebook (2017)

• A brief history of singular ‘they’ (2018) by the Oxford English Dictionary blog

• It’s OK To Use “They” To Describe One Person: Here’s Why (2019) by dictionary.com
  

MORE RESOURCES
Gender-Specific and Gender-Neutral Pronouns infographic
Ask. Respect. Practice.

A Quick & Easy Guide to They/Them Pronouns by Archie Bongiovanni and Tristan Jimerson
Archie, a snarky genderqueer artist, is tired of people not understanding gender neutral pronouns. Tristan, a cisgender dude, is looking for an easy way to introduce gender neutral pronouns to his increasingly diverse workplace. The longtime best friends team up in this short and fun comic guide that explains what pronouns are, why they matter, and how to use them. They also include what to do if you make a mistake, and some tips-and-tricks for those who identify outside of the binary to keep themselves safe in this binary-centric world. A quick and easy resource for people who use they/them pronouns, and people who want to learn more!

What’s in a Pronoun?: Resources and Activities on Third-Person, Gender-Neutral Pronouns assembled by Dubbs Weinblatt, Essie Shachar-Hill, and Jacob Klein
On the most basic level, using people’s correct pronouns is about respect. In the same way we ask
people’s names so we can refer to them correctly, using people’s pronouns is about honoring them as a person.

Practicewithpronouns.com
Want to see how to use ze/zir, ze/hir, ey/em, ve/ver, ne/nem, xe/xem, or they/them in a sentence?

Minus18’s pronoun practice
This site is super mobile friendly and interactive.

They Is My Pronoun (TIMP)
Lee Airton provides an interactive guide to using gender-neutral pronouns and supporting people who use them. Lee answers questions, post thoughts and share a ton of helpful resources.

#HopefulGender cards
Created by Praxis Group, these FREE cards are for folks who are tired of being misgendered by family, friends and strangers. They’re also for cis allies who want to encourage people to not assume gender.